You can’t say I’m not well adjusted

… thank you, I’ll be here all week. Try the veal.

In what I’m now dubbing “The Season of Jacque,” I decided to do a few of those things that I’ve always wanted to do, but for whatever reason, I never took the time, effort, or initiative to do them.

If you’re playing along at home, go ahead and cross “visit a chiropractor” off your list.

From what I gather, you’re in one of two schools of thought on chiropractors.

They’re this:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wait. That’s actually a terrible example. Sorry.

What I was trying to say the overwhelming majority of folks see chiropractors in one of two ways. They’re either …

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Or they’re …

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(… Anyway, uh, so we still feelin’ good about this … uh … 32-piece set here?)

So, after waffling back and forth for a while, I decided to make the call. For the past several months, I’ve been sporadically coming down with what I’d describe as actual, crippling nausea and headaches. This time, I went full-on granola and decided to see if something natural could help me.

After a few physical tests, I learned that my jaw is a little out of whack and my C1 and C2 vertebrae aren’t in alignment. I also don’t seem to have a natural curve in my upper spine anymore. I’m honest. I have terrible posture. I’m Shrek-ish, so I’ve spent the better part of 34 years not standing up straight. That’s apparently come back to haunt me. It’s sort of pulled on all sorts of other things, and according to the doctor (and the handy chart on the wall) this may be why I’m getting the headaches like I am and why my shoulder muscles are perpetually tensed.

Something I was completely unprepared for: The stomach test. I learned that there are two kinds of valves on the stomach, naturally — one at the top and one at the bottom. Mine don’t seem to be working after a pressure test that made me feel like I was going to cry. I got sent home with food to avoid for two weeks and some chlorophyll and magnesium. (Legitimately chlorophyll. Like what plants have.)

I’m now 10 hours-plus from when I left my visit. My entire shoulder and neck musculoskeletal system hurt. I did get a pretty sweet ice pack to bring home.

Something else I was completely unprepared for: Have any of you had any of that electrical muscle stimulation? I got these four pads put on my shoulder muscles and it sort of felt like this:

Seriously. This was one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life. More uncomfortable than having to sit with my Dad through an episode of “The Doctors” dedicated to female bodily functions. I noticed, though, when it was over that I actually felt more relaxed in my shoulders. That relaxing has turned to ouch. Just plain ouch.

The verdict: Jury hasn’t returned. I plan to go back, at least a few more times, to see if whatever magic he’s working can actually help with the headaches. Definitely keeping an open mind.

Bonus: As I was leaving today, I got two handouts on how to become a vegan. I liked the first because of all of the recipes and restaurant suggestions. The second was awful because it was one of those “This is what your lunch looks like going to the slaughterhouse” booklets. Boo.

Double bonus: I’m going to commit to 31 days of writing for October. BLOGTOBER! (I just booed myself so you don’t have to do it.) Because of the Pirates distraction, just wrapped this one in time. (1/31)